Loud car loathing

Guys who drive loud cars obviously want attention. They like to rev their engine with pride as if they engineered the damn thing.

Do you want me to be impressed that you have a driver’s license and were able to secure financing? Congratulations. This is something the apes still haven’t mastered. If I were traveling with cookies I would toss one right into your rumbling cupholder.

The key to true defiance is to not look at loud car guy. Nothing gives him more pleasure than people turning their heads and him reading their lips saying “Good golly Miss Molly that is so friggin’ loud.” That’s what people like me say, people who drive cars where the loudest thing is an old serpentine belt screaming like live bats in a cauldron. Yeah buddy, don’t act like you’re not impressed.

Metal credit cards

I’m seeing more and more metal credit cards. Boy, what a way to make a spending statement. Look at all the losers and their plastic payment options. When I pay I leave a clink on the table. Don’t you see? I can afford metal. Humans had to mine to find material for my card. I am now a baller the likes of which my social circle has never seen.

My favorite things

Kids are obsessed with superlatives, and it’s largely how they connect with grownups. I’m constantly interrogated regarding what my favorite things are. “Daddy, what’s your favorite movie? What do you think the coolest planet is? What’s the best pine cone?” And this isn’t an opinion, there is most certainly a right answer. Inevitably I’ll say something ridiculous like the best pine cone is a white tree pine cone. “That’s OK, Daddy, but don’t you like the spruce pine cone? Isn’t the spruce pine cone your favorite?” “Yes son, the spruce pine cone is my favorite.” “Yeah, Dad, mine too.” They just want to connect.