The man’s key to comfort

As we age, we think more about comfort. In fact before any activity, like squirrels with their frenzied, pre-winter nut gathering, we prepare and get everything in order to ensure max comfort. How can we watch a kids soccer game without folding chairs, a canopy and a battery-powered hand fan that disperses mists of water? How can we board a plane without earplugs, our iPad and a body-conforming neck pillow? We cannot.

I’ve found that part of becoming an older man is constantly considering the potential temperature of my skin. This is why for the older man the jacket becomes the default apparel. We must wear it everywhere, because we just don’t know if the building is going to have polar A/C, or we’ll somehow find ourselves in shade with a skin-tingling breeze that’s just a little too refreshing. With the jacket, we’re prepared. Because if we find things to indeed be broiling hot, we shed the layer like Superman and forge ahead, feeling completely temperate and ready to live out our heroic lives.

The once rich

Remember when being a millionaire was amazing? The thought of achieving such financial glory was practically unthinkable. But you don’t hear about millionaires anymore. Lots of people can even get there with a lifetime of disciplined saving. So we hear about billionaires, and then we think, “yes, now that person has done something.”

I’m not even impressed with people’s millions anymore. “So-and-so is worth $15 million.” Are they even trying? You’ll never own a pro team at that rate. If you don’t have billions you just aren’t so incredible. One day, we’ll have our world’s first trillionaire, and the millionaires will be serving them at the Arby’s drive-thru. (Trillionaires will be so rich they’ll be bored with the finest foods and just want to hop down the road to a place that has the meats.)

By the way, it seems like all the ultra-rich people are philanthropists. That’s good, of course. It’s great that the rich would use their gift of resources for the greater good. But plenty of people got rich because they were greedy and stepped over others to get where they got. So just because they gave away some money and we labeled them a philanthropist doesn’t mean they’re Mother Teresa. What is it about “philanthropist” that makes everything hunky-dory? Just throw “philanthropist” into a bio and it changes everything. “Mr. Smith is a business tycoon, hostile takeover expert, sweatshop owner, and philanthropist.” Gosh that Mr. Smith is swell.

Saving your breath

Have you ever bought a roll of Breath Savers? Better still, have you ever bought like a 5-pack of Breath Savers rolls? You can’t be any more obvious that you have a problem. No one loves mints so much to buy such a ridiculous amount. And there are countless brands of mints, but you’ve gone for the one that essentially tells everyone your head stinks. You can pull out Tic-Tacs or Icebreakers at a party, but will anything prevent friends like a pocket withdrawal of Breath Savers? Might as well proclaim, “Don’t mind me, I’ll be much less offensive to converse with in about one minute.” Breath Savers need packaging that makes the whole wrapper turn blank when you take them out into the daylight. This will even give you the satisfaction of offering mints to others without giving them the impression their heads stink too.